A rant to toy manufacturers

My daughter had her birthday party today. She actually turned five a few weeks ago, but her birthday landed on the first day of Rosh Hoshana, so we had just a modest little celebration with her grandparents that day. Her big party was today.

So of course she received an obscene amount of wonderful presents, most of which are some variation of Barbie dolls, Bratz, and so on. They were all elaborately packaged against a backdrop of some scenery, but of course, the scenery is cardboard, and not intended to be part of the play set, but rather something to make the toy itself look more attractive & enticing.

Each toy took me at least 10 minutes to open. Each doll's hair was tacked against the cardboard, and tacked to itself, to such an extent that they looked quite tousled by the time I got them free. Each was imprisoned in some godawful kinky position - whoever started this excessive package craze is surely a sadist.

While I was yanking and swearing and twisting and gauging the toys out (along with all the acoutrements they come with, such as tiny handbags that don't even open, multiple pairs of slutty shoes, and so on), I fell to musing to myself.

Well, it probably happened after I cut my finger for the third time on some jagged edge of that really thick, almost Tupperware-like plastic shit they package the toys in.

So let's say I see a Barbie set that I want to buy for my daughter. Let's say I take it to the checkout and say "I'll buy this for you if you take it completely out of its packaging, without tearing any of the clothes or messing up her hair."

Possibly the store clerk might give it a go, or might refer me to Customer Service.

At any rate, let's say someone on the staff obliges.

And then let's say there's a consumer backlash and EVERYONE starts insisting that their Barbie dolls and other toys be unpackaged before we'll buy them.

Christmas would be a mess. Store managers would see that their human resources were being devoted to unpackaging the products. They would tell the clerks "No more unpacking. Customers have to take them home and unpack them on their own."

So customers stop buying them.

Then the buyers for the store stop ordering such crap from manufacturers, and buy instead toys that are packaged more reasonably.

Anyway, I was just daydreaming. I suppose I could write letters of complaint to toy manufacturers, and I'm sure that if I got a reply at all, it would be some bullshit about they have to package extensively to ensure the product reached the consumer in the best condition possible (like hell! My daughter's Barbies look like they've just had sex when they emerge from all that packaging.)

I'm not saying don't package at all. Of course, things have to be packaged to some extent to ensure the product remains in its kinky position before reaching the customer. But what they're doing these days is beyond reason. I don't like it. It makes me very grumpy. My daughter is bouncing around trying to be patient while I'm struggling to keep her away from all the jagged edges and the twist ties and everything else.

If you're not a parent or haven't bought a Barbie or Bratz or Little Mermaid or other doll set, then you have no idea. Let me give you one.

First, you have to jackhammer your way through the safety-glass quality plastic that the entire unit is encased in. There is supposed to be a way to do this neatly, and you try that first. Then, failing that, you resort to industrial shears to cut right through the plastic. This results in jagged edges that can sever a human hand from the arm.

Meanwhile, your daughter is jumping up and down, asking if she can have it now, and insisting that you please hurry.

You discover that the doll's body is affixed to one layer of cardboard, usually at about seven to ten places. They are wired to the cardboard, and you have to go to the back of the cardboard to untwist each wire that is holding the doll in place, usually at each wrist, the waist, the neck, the ankles, and in a few places through the hair.

So you turn the cardboard over to undo all those wires. But wait! You can't get to the wire because there's another layer of cardboard over the whole back of the unit. So you rip the back cardboard off. It doesn't come off in one piece. It comes off in little pieces.

With a pile of cardboard confetti at your feet, you set about to untwist the wires.

But wait! Someone put two or three crisscrossing layers of packing tape over the wires. It doesn't peel off. So you take your industrial strength scissors and start gauging at it.

Finally the tape comes off and the little wires are untwisted. You yank the Barbie from her bondage, and discover that her hair is stitched together somewhere not far from the ends of her hair. This is clearly to keep the hair looking like she just stepped out of the salon - while she's in the box! But now she's out of the box. It looks like she had extensions put in two years ago and the braid has grown past her shoulders.

By the time you daintily clip the stitching out, the doll has a Carol Brady shag.

You go to hand the doll to your daughter, but she's nowhere to be found. You discover her in the other room, playing with the cardboard scenery that the doll came in. She's no longer interested in the doll.

It took me about as long to type all of that as it did to open a single Barbie set.

Any toy manufacturers out there?????